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October 26, 2005
Construction Estimate and Soul-Searching . . .
10/26/05
Although this entry is dated 26-October, I'm actually writing it just before Christmas. I've been putting it off as it is probably the most difficult entry I've had to write, as it recounts a very trying time for us. 26-October is the day we finally got back an estimate for building our home and tasting room at the vineyard, and it was - to sum it up with one word - devastating. The figure was double what we had budgeted for the project, and we had budgeted quite a bit, or so we thought.
The budget was based on our desire to enable Shannon to become a teacher in a few years, to enjoy a less-stressful career, spend more time with the kids, and have the summers off to be with the kids and run the vineyard. Obviously there would be a significant difference in salary, but would enable the life we have been building and planning. And in an instant, just by reading an email, that plan was gone.
What followed over the next few days was some of the deepest soul-searching we've ever had to do. As we started to explore alternatives for trying to make this dream happen, the notion of packing it in surfaced as a very real option. Over and over we had to ask ourselves - Why are we putting ourselves through this? We could easily sell the land, pay cash for a home in Ashburn, Shannon could be a stay-home mom, and we could have lots of play money to travel and buy toys. That truly began to sound like a fine option. We also talked about just building a small house on the land - forget the tasting room, forget the winery.
Lying in bed late at night, saying things like that out loud, it was almost like having a light go off in our hearts. But we have to be realistic - we have a baby now, and we want to be good and sensible parents, so maybe following some crazy dream is NOT prudent. Round and round we talked and ached for days on end. We decided that we needed to connect with the land to make the final go/no-go decision, but since it was so cold we didn't want to take Tristan out. So Shannon stayed at home with Tristan, and I set up a campsite in the woods behind the vineyard. Even sitting in front of the fire, all alone in the woods in the middle of the night, it took a long time to let the financials and the risks wash away, so I could begin to focus on the dream and what it was all about. Shannon did the same at home, watching Tristan sleep, also wondering what it was all about.
Sunday morning back at the house, we both knew what the answer was, for many of the same reasons, and some individual ones. We both agreed we have come too far, worked to hard, and achieved so much in such a short time to let this slip through our fingers so close to the finish line. The thought of selling out, giving in to convenience is just too hard to swallow. This is the place where we were married, where our life together began. The visions of little ones running through the vineyard chasing puppies - Of taking long walks together through our woods at sunset - of harvests, brunches, art festivals, special events, music - all of it is just too close to let go. For Shannon, the thought of walking away from all the hard work before we really got to experience the life was too much. For me, sitting in the woods, it came down to thinking about what "Notaviva" means to me. It's more than a word, it's an experience, a state of being. "The Music of Life" - it conveys something special, something unique for everyone. I want to share that feeling with the world, and I want to be part of something special. We're so close to making it happen, and in my mind to turn back now would be to fail.
To forge ahead, throw caution to the wind and just say "I believe in us and I believe we can do it" is for me the greatest success. We're now going to have to deal with the pressure of a million-dollar mortgage, work 7 days a week all year long, put our kids through absolute craziness all the time, rely on family and friends to help us through, but we are going to give this our absolute best shot. We believe this tasting room is going to be something special - for us, for our children, our friends and family, and for the people who will come from far and wide to experience what we've built. And if along the way we both get laid off, if everything that can go wrong does, and if we never get there then we've decided we can live with that. We'll be able to look at each other and know that we followed our hearts, in a day and age when so few people do. Because I am not afraid of falling on my face, but I am terrified of looking in the mirror and seeing someone who played it safe.
Posted by
Stephen
at
October 26, 2005 11:31 AM
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